cryforburke.

The Brooklyn Pool Party w/ cryforburke!

Now that McCarren pool is closed and scheduled to be converted back into a public pool, Jelly was forced to find a new location for their free summer concert series, “pool parties.”  They chose the Williamsberg waterfront as the new venue and it’s a nice change of pace.  The new stage offers a decent view of the Manhattan skyline behind the bands while a cool, if not somewhat stinky, breeze comes off of the river.  All the attractions are still there from last year as well.  You’ve still got dodgeball and basket ball and you’re still going to pay 6 bucks for a tiny, warm beer.  Annoyingly enough, the promoters are so paranoid about underage drinking at their shows, they’ve implemented a drinking pen.  So say good bye to catching a buzz close to the stage.  Oh well, there are still plenty of port-o-pottys so you won’t have to wait in line to piss.

The first day of the series had some interested choices.  The first band to play was some Yeah Yeah Yeahs knock off out of, you guessed it, Brooklyn, called Jemina Pearl. 

Eat you’re heart out, Karen O.  And no, that isn’t a picture from yesterday’s show.  We can’t afford our own photographer so we are forced to leech from google images.  Deal with it.

Anyhow, we watched about five minutes before we got sick of this girl telling her band how bad they are and apologizing to the small crowed.  She may have mentioned it was their first show but we weren’t buying it.  We decided to walk around and make fun of all the over dressed shit heads instead.  That reminds us,  dressing up like strawberry shortcake doesn’t hide your insecurity, so knock it off.  Seriously, there were like 8 of those girls.  And way too many dudes in pointy shoes.  You all look ridiculous.

Moving on.  The next band up was some train wreck from Maryland called Ponytail.

Their music was kind of interesting but we couldn’t figure out if the singer was a tiny blind girl or a 12 year old boy with down syndrome.  That picture up there doesn’t really help us.  Neither did the lyrics.  The only thing we can describe it as is sounding like Navi, the fairy in Ocarina of Time, on extasy.  ”HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY! YIP! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! YEAH! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”   Pretty shitty stuff.

Fucked up came on next.

This band should change their name to “Fattitude!” because that singers got sass! No really, these guys are the worst.  Hey asshole, Tim Harrington has been doing it way longer than you and his band is actually good.  Please take your shitty mall pop hard core somewhere else because we don’t wanna hear it and also don’t want to see your dick pop out of your boxers.  Keep the pants on dude.

Finally, Brooklyn Borough President and everyone’s favorite mook, Marty Markowitz introduced the headliners, Mission of Burma.

Dudes are getting old but they’re still killing it!  The first couple of songs started out kind of rocky but then they seemed to get comfortable and really turned it on.  Even the new stuff was great.  It’s good to see a band get old and not turn into huge bunch of pussies.  Sadly, we were surrounded by a group of 16 year olds who decided to only have fun during “that’s when i reached for my revolver” and then started arguing for the rest of the show.  Some one please drive these kids to a Jonas brothers’ show.

All in all it was a pretty good day.  3 shit bands and one great show.  Next week is White Denim and the Dirty Projectors.  We aren’t gonnna lie to you, we’ll most likely leave after White Denim.  Dirty Projectors blow.

Jim James says Yim Yames. Cryforburke says Yesus Christ, Jes!

We’re sure you’re all well aware of this publication’s love for all things My Morning Jacket, so it should come as no surprise to learn that we’re fucking stoked to hear his up coming solo, acoustic tribute ep to our favorite Beatle, George Harrison.  

The album, which James recorded under the name “Yim Yames,” is titled “Tribute to” and is already available to download exclusively at yimyames.com.  The physical album will be in stores on August 2nd.  

We’ve only heard two tracks and we gotta say, James sounds at the top of his game.  If you visit the website you’ll also see that he’ll be releasing a full length solo album later this year.  We can’t stop cumming.  

Rumor says he’ll be touring for both of these releases as well as supporting “Monsters of Folk,” his upcoming collaboration with M. Ward and that girl from Bright Eyes. Dude is gonna have a busy year. 

Tribute To Tracklist.

1. Long, Long, Long

2. Behind That Locked Door

3. Love You To

4. My Sweet Lord

5. Sir Frankie Crisp (Let it Roll)

6. All Things Must Pass

WHO FUCKING CARES?

Sigh…..so Jack White has started another band.  This time he’s teamed up with the chick from discount and called it “dead weather.”  Yeah, it’s old news, but we just heard some and guess what.  It’s boring as shit!

We’re probably gonna get flamed for that, but who gives a shit?  It’s getting so that talking shit about a Jack White project is like saying the holocaust never happened.  It seems like every time people start finally forgetting this guy is making music, he starts a  new band that everyone drools over and then forgets in two years.  Well, we’re nipping this one in the ass right now.  Fuck Dead Weather.

Also, does anyone really want to watch Jack White jerk off with The Edge and Jimmy page in that new movie?  Maybe if the Edge wasn’t in it…..but only maybe.

Lead singer or downy?

Cryforburke understands your dilemma.  Is that a handicapped person or just the singer of a band?  Lord knows you never want to walk up to a downy and tell them they rocked on Letterman last night.  The flip side is no fun either.  Can you imagine walking up to Jack White and telling him in your most encouraging voice, “Look how well you’re doing! Great job! You are sooooo  brave!”  You’d receive a swift punch to the face! Well, in this, our first installment of “Lead singer or downy,” Cryforburke is going to help you differentiate between the two.  Let us begin:

Joe Cocker: The microphone is a dead give away any day of the week.  If this guy didn’t have one in front of his face, we would have no clue which way to go.  He’s probably the first lead singer to start the trend of acting like a downy.  Now it’s all over the place.  If you see Joe Cocker in the street, know that he is most certainly a lead singer.  Although, he’s done so many drugs you should probably still talk to him like he’s a retarded toddler.  He’d appreciate it.  

Alanis Morissette:  She may look like an enraged downy taking it’s aggression out on a Fisher Price guitar, but she’s actually a lead singer.  This Canadian pop star made it big by complaining about Uncle Joey from Full House and acting like a retard on stage.  Besides her awkward body language, there is no proof of a handicap.  

Corky, from Life Goes On!: Downy!

Fred Durst: This asshole claims to be a lead singer but we all know a downy when we see one.  The simple fact that he thinks anyone cares about his shitty rap rock band, limp bizkit, getting back together is proof enough.  HUGE RETARD!

We hope this helps, at least a little bit.  If you’re still have problems, we’ll be posting some more examples of both sides later on.  

Michael Jackson R.I.P.

We here at cryforburke never had any intention of hiding the fact that we are massive MJ fans.  He’s been thrilling our offices with his pop genius and shapeshifting abilities since we opened way back in ‘87.  So you can see how it is with a heavy heart that we announce that the King of Pop has passed.  We like to think he’s in a better place now.  A place we like to call “the Neverland ranch in the sky.”

In order to pay tribute to the greatest pop-smith of all time, we are going to list below our favorite jokes about Micheal Jacksons Death.  

10. King of pop? More like corpse of pop!

9. Billy Jean is not my lover, She’s just a girl that thinks i’m still alive!

8.  Now he can finally make the real life video for Thriller!

7. Somewhere Macauly Caulkin is smiling. 

6. stay tuned for the new Weird Al single, “Heal the Heart.”

5. Mammasay Mammasa MamaMY ARM!

4. tombstone to read “loving father. so, so loving.”

3. …..

that’s about all we got for now.  If we can be serious for just a second. In his prime, dude was a fucking pimp.  He wrote a pop song like no other.  It’s incredibly depressing that he had to essentially ruin his own career by turning into a huge creep later on, but what can ya do?  In a bizarre way, we will miss him.  He was good for comedy if nothing else.  

The possibility of awesomeness.

the new flaming lips album “Embryonic” may have it’s album art.  And we pray to god this is it:

The Reunion will not be televised.

It’s coming up on those blessed summer months and you know what that means.  Fat guys in short shorts, the consumption of grilled animal fat, tits in everyone’s faces and a lot of really bad bands getting back together to turn a quick buck on “reunion tours”.  

It happens every fucking year.  We think to ourselves “Hey, I kind of like the new Mars Volta record.  Perhaps this summer will present some awesome shows!” And it will…but, It will also present some of the biggest shit shows you’ll ever see in your life.  

Now we understand that not all these reunions are terrible.  We love that Dinosaur Jr. is still killing it and no one regrets missing the last time the Pixies were in town more than us, but those instances are few and far between, folks.  This year is especially bad.  Compiled below is a list of reunited “bands” that have decided to release an album, and or, tour this summer.  Coincidentally, it’s also a list of what to avoid at all costs.  

Creed:  We’re starting with the absolute worst of the bunch.  

We’re pretty sure that’s the same reaction every sane person in the world had when they heard Creed was getting back together and making new “music”.   

When we first heard Creed had broken up,  we felt the same way the Jews must have felt when they  heard Hitler was dead, not quite happiness, just deep seeded relief.  It felt as though the world was finally healing itself of it’s one great mistake.  Now the “band” is getting back together and ignorant baptists everywhere are rejoicing to the lord that Scott Stapp has seen the error of his whorin’ ways.  

The one  bright side to Creed touring again is the possibility they’ll pull a Metallica and run their tour bus off the side of a road.  Only this time the bass player survives and the singer gets it.  Although, the idea of Alter Bridge touring again doesn’t really strike the right note either.  

Blink 182 -  Did we say Creed was the worst?  These guys are dead even for the top spot.

We were gonna find a sillier picture of these bags, but really, what’s more embarrassing than just being in Blink 182?  

From what we’ve been able to piece together, it seems that after Travis Barker almost died in a plane crash, the other two dorks from the band decided that life was two short and fragile to not write shitty mall punk songs about pooping and first dates.  Hey assholes, you’re all 56 years old!  Time to knock it off and hang it up.  No one wants to see a bunch of autistic geriatrics singing about the first time they ever fell off a skateboard and cried about it.  

Smashing Pumpkins - We realize this doesn’t technically qualify as a reunion, but what the fuck?

So Billy Corgan is basically going on tour with himself and calling it Smashing Pumpkins.  We think he should just call it was it is, “Nosferatu and friends ride again.”  Dude is tripping hard.  After the last “Pumpkins” tour, Jimmy Chamberlain got tired of Corgan’s bullshit crybaby routine and quit the band.  Now it’s Just this skinny bald fuck and a bunch of fucking posers.  We hear Billy tried to get James Iha back on the road but dude was two busy nailing 18 year old Brooklyn chicks.  God dammit, Billy, do you understand that we can’t even listen to Gish anymore with out getting pissed off?  Gish!  You’ve actually ruined Gish.  Fuck you, Billy.  

Hole -  No punch line needed.  

Courtney Love is pulling a Billy Corgan by going on tour by herself and calling it Hole.  Hey Courtney, we didn’t care then and we care even less now.  No matter how much you murdered your husband, you’ll never get out of his shadow.  We’d rather watch the rest of Nirvana get back together and have that homeless guy from Puddle of mud singing than see you stumble around a stage again.  Please go to sleep forever.  

On a interesting side note, We hear that instead of drums, Neil Pert will be playing Love’s ribcage on the Northeast leg of the tour.  

Sunny Day Real Estate - Oh, for the love of christ…..

Hey, we used to like Sunny Day Real Estate! We also used to be 13 years old.  We can’t say this is the worst news we’ve ever heard but really…why?  Why would this band get back together?  Jeremy Enigk, you did such a great job of disappearing and…other guys, you did such a good job of being mediocre in the Foo Fighters.  I think what concerns us the most here is that you’ve already inspired so many shitty, shitty “emo” bands…we would really hate to see you do it again.  You get back together and the next thing you know, Jawbreaker is touring again and then the Promise Ring and then every other band that made high school boys think it’s okay to be pussies.  Please don’t do this to us.  

We’re sure there are a ton of others but we haven’t heard about them yet.  Rest assured, as soon as we know, you’ll know.    

Further apologies to our adoring fans.

We realize it looks like we’ve been bought off by Wilco over the last few days, but we promise this is not the case.  Truth of the matter is we’re actually working on a new idea for this magazine and want it to be perfect before actually going ahead with it.  Don’t get your hopes up, it’s not that big of a surprise.  Regardless, here are some pictures of people we hate, to kill the time until then:

simply for defending the asshole pictured before him…..and for being an incredible hack.

don’t even ask…..

seriously?  GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!  Just when you think bands can’t get any worse.  Jesus Christ.  

eh, that’s enough for now.  We’re just as bored with this as you are.